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2 - So today I had a curiosity day sometimes I just have this, when I want to find things out, completely unrelated. Currently its been about anthropology and ancient Greeks and the rise of empires across Europe over the last couple 100 centuries.. ahah. I went to a photo exhibition, yer it wasn’t great, I mean it was ok. It was nice to spend time with Eads and Marine and Vicky, I saw Leo there briefly and Jo for a moment and Quilla, that was nice. I had been inside all day ahah I made a tart, that was pretty good, I was pleased with the tart. That was some good shit. I felt quite happy today quite content in myself, just doing what I wanted to do, without worrying where it was the right this to do or not. Which is something I’m practicing, it took a long time to get at least to here but that’s ok I’ve got plenty more time. I’m in the right environment the right tracks. Yer I think also it was interesting, Vicky stayed we watched a film and ate the pie we were talking and she said, also what I had been feeling, which is always very reassuring when some one else does that it was, my work has changed a lot over the last two or three years and it used to be what I considered to be quite ok art I mean it was aesthetic it was fairly interesting for me, and it was quite well rounded and there was quite a lot of it. Since I moved here I think it comes along with the change I have had in myself. My work now is much more personal and reflective and I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with this or if I like it. And as a result of that I don’t think it’s as good. Whatever good art is. But at the same time over the last two or three days, I’v been think about this a lot, that perhaps, I need to believe in that what I do what I am interested in what I am trying to understand has been my curiosities and my drive for the last, for ever I mean, it’s who I am and I need to accept that as something to feed something to not be ashamed of. And something not to worry that other people aren’t doing it as well, that has always been a thing, I have never really reflected my surroundings iv never really done the same things as my friends had done or context was doing it was much more independent and for a while it didn’t bother me maybe I didn’t even notice. But recently it has been bothering me and it did make me doubt myself a lot, also having the little argument or existential crisis about my father and whether or not I need his validation or belief or validate myself. Which I have realised is not the case. I mean he’s not really someone I need to compare myself to and aim to be like. I think I just need to trust my instincts like I do mostly but I never had done with my work. Maybe that’s something I need to consider doing haha I need to consider trusting my artist instincts as well as my survival instincts. And I think because maybe my art could help me survive, I feel like it should. And I feel like if I didn’t have it I would defiantly crumble. So in that sense I guess it does keep me alive and keep me going. For sure. This education has opened my mind in different ways, and maybe closed other bits, I don’t know if closed is the word. I’ve moved away from certain areas of my practice and my brain I order to maybe fit a bit more with the school’s thought. And I think I agreed with that originally so I was comfortable doing it, and I wanted to do it and I wanted it to take me, and now it’s a bit like well what the fuck am I actually doing?! What is this? This is just I don’t know, people chatting shit into their phones wondering about life. Is that art? Is this art? Am I making art right now? Well its meant to disturb the comforted and comfort the disturbed, this could be quite disturbing I imagine haha ok. The light bulb exploded again, that’s the third time.

I was quite productive this morning I did some public and private research. And found a good book. I need to remeber. Then we had a meeting which was good, was quite useful. I bought some big paper to mind map the fuck out of. Which I will do tomorrow I had a bit of worry that this project is a bit shit. So well its only a part of a project so we will see, maybe its just stress, ah I don’t know if im that stressed. Maybe sometimes. It’s all pretty fine. I had some nice potatoes for dinner, I skyped with Max today as well that was nice we had like an hour long chat. He’s doing really well he’s getting A* or at least predicted A* in his work. And he’s good at football and quite handsome and has great hair. I think he’s quite sociable too so yer its good it’s nice to see that in a step brother or anyone else.

It was a good day I got all my work done and saw Eads, chatted with Vicky and I saw Jo and I got my theory quarter seven done which I needed to do before I can go to Canada. That’s really good thank god for that. Yer its actually been quite a nice few days, my stress has been high enough for me to get stuff done, but not too high that I can’t function so that’s nice. I think also the weather is pretty good I quite like it when its cold I like to wear lots of jumpers and coats, its just a personal preference erm Im quite excited for England I haven’t been back in a year I a bit nervous about whether or not I will bump into my mother. I’ve had word from my grandparents that in fact she will be in Wales but I’m not sure if that’s true and I’m not sure for how long. Because I will be in England for ten days which is quite a while. So that’s a little thing but I guess the only thing I can do is wait and see what happens. And if I do bump into her we will have a nice little show down in the middle of the city, that won’t be embarrassing. Jesus Christ. But I might not see them at all and if I don’t that will be a lovely Christmas. I will see my best friend and see my little step brother and step mum she’s cool. And my strange strange father. I think it’s nice, I think it could be quite a full circle experience you know its been a very intense nearly year and a half here in this little bubble I have been living in that has been exactly what I need and really quite good. And to go back after quite a while and to reintegrating with people I knew when I was sixteen is going to be quite interesting. Will be quite eye opening I think. Might give a new perspective I think it will, well it could do, and if it does, that would be quite nice. Especially, just in time for Canada! Yay! Well every few months I always have this urge where I need to go away for a while camping or walking, just away for a week also without anyone or anything. Just somewhere in the middle of the wilderness, in Yorkshire I used to go, or the Ardennes. This trip has come at the right time as I am feeling it again it’s like an itchy slightly anxious need to go away, I don’t know what it is or really how to explain it. But it fits with my timing so that’s nice! It will be a good enormous run away. For six months, then I can run back, and tell them ‘It was horrible! They all ate bacon and killed moose’s!’ No I’m sure it will be fantastic and I will hate to return. But this is where I live now, for the time being anyway. This is where my friends are which is very nice.

I have so much work to do so much shit to get sorted before I go to Canada, I’ve got to empty my room, gotta pack got to give my plants to Eads, I gotta print out some forms. Find some where to live still..! Oh my god. I was going to do that this weekend but now I have to get everything ready for the exhibition. Next week I have to pretty much pack move out, fuck, do public and privet and go to England. What the fuck. I’m stressed but I’m in control at least it’s not bad stress just busy stress. A few weeks ago I felt quite sad? That I’m moving to Canada for six months and I wont see Vicky and Seth, I don’t know when I will next see them. It’s hard to leave Eads and Jo and Leo and Fal but everyone is. It’s quite strange for me because last time I moved country it was emotionally easier, which is ironic as fuck! Because it was a lot worse. I was going through a horrible situation to organising and moving country at nineteen, to finding somewhere to live here, adjusting to living in a country where I don’t speak the language, full of strangers in a strange place with a rent was way too expensive, being broke as fuck, but that was easy. It really wasn’t that bad it isn’t that bad. I think the problem with this one, is that now im much more settled then I have ever been in England, huh, I think that might be true. Huh. Who knew? Well I guess that’s it, this is the first time in my life I have been happy and in a comfortable space. I think there’s still the need to run away a little bit it gets stronger and weaker day by day, it fluctuates. But its always there. And I know am quite attached to some people, and that’s quite a new thing for me as well. I had friends in England, but the people here are people who I do cherish and want to keep them in my life for as long as it works. And its looking quite positive. We have got at least a year left, most of us are doing another. So that’s nice.

Expo day! Yay! It’s been an insanely busy week I don’t think we have had a break, well I have not had a break for three weeks it feel like, I know that’s probably not true but that’s what it feels like. I had Seth’s party last night which was pretty fun we did some painting some drinking, some dancing maybe some singing, it was pretty dec. I am still exhausted from the week and the other party we had as a goodbye, and the trying to get the exhibition together and trying to get public and private together and move house and move country. Go back to England on the Friday. Oh my god. Oh Jesus. I think my mother is in Wales over Christmas so that’s really great, it means I wont bump into her in town. Traumatic I hope I really hope she isn’t there. And I’m a little worried as to if England will set me back or if it will help me go further, I’m really not sure which one it will be yet. I guess there is only one way to find out, hay. Yer I’m quite hungry, I only have €4 in my bank account, I only have to wait until the twentieth. That’s ok it’s about a week, no worries. I have some fetta cheese in the fridge. It’s been worse. My brain is ok I think, its working quite well. I lost faith a while ago, so it just does its thing, maybe that’s shit maybe that’s good. I really don’t know. Im not sure how to find out, so ill just leave it until someone tells me. I see if I agree with them or not. Cool.

3 - Just woken up from a nap, its 7:45. Quite groggy actually, was thinking about going out although I had a pizza with my friend Fergus so I’m very laden down everything’s quite weighty a bit like having lead pure into my calves just sort of stung out on my bed. I’m worried about meeting my potential possible partner maybe not Esther, in the future, might go well might not. Anxiety like a big lead sheet lots of lead today. Anyway.

So I’m walking upstairs to the second floor of Blaak, going to keep working on my recordings this morning I helped Seila, in the workshop and I woke up feeling very very tired and it didn’t go away but I think the walk has cleared my head moved the fog and meant that I am now able to do some work with some clarity. Last night everybody came over and even though I was in a working space for a lot of it it was really lovely to just have the company of good friends and sort of I guess an certain amount of intimacy that comes with that, that I might have been missing, because of the unsurity about me and Esther. So it was lovely. Yer. Now I have reached the second floor, walk around start working. Yesterday did some recording, today I will edit that recording feeling anxious, feeling a bit sick, feeling good overall I think and I will now keep going.

Great anxiety about meeting Esther because now I feel really erm feel a lot closer to her than I have before in a long time, its just coz Ill see her soon, erm I’m just going to go and watch a play, a circus performance I’m really excited about it, erm other than that everything’s ok had a call with a friends, Rose. Have my friend Fergus here having a nice time.
Sitting in the B.A.D foundation in the room with the work, feeling very aimless. Don’t really want to do anything. Iv cycled here everything is sort of thin. Thin lines of living today, no real aim. Im going to sit and read and sleep, and then I’ll go home, and then I’ll go home for real, I think this period of time this part of the year is all about recharging. Taking myself back to zero, taking everything in I can’t really give anything out anymore, I don’t really have much energy. But it’s a positive thing, and I think what happens in winter is well, it will be good I’ll miss everyone here, I know I will but at the moment I’m just so focused on nothing that I cant think and I can’t feel very much, at least at this point. But I will be back to my self soon.

Sitting in the kitchen today I have been to a play by Rana Hamden, which was amazing it was like walking into. I suppose it was the most immersive experience, it was an opera and what happened is, the drew us through it, they brought the audience closer so close that eventually the play its self, ceased to exist and it became a party in the space. It dissolved the boundary between actor and acting and acted upon and it all, it was blended into one, so we were the filmed audience of course so we didn’t get the full experience. Ah imagine what it would have been like, it would have been incredible! This was brilliant but I think I’m getting a bit ill, I’m falling asleep I had a two hour nap just now. And honestly I could go back to sleep I need to do so much packing and this and that and the other but I need to go back to sleep. I’m very ready to be home and doing nothing for the holidays. But perhaps this is the nothing, the real nothing time. Now I can be a alone in my room where as at home I will have my family. Ah! Oh well! Heating up the oven for garlic bread. Ill have a very small dinner and then I will go back to sleep.

4 - Its amazing how you can be fine and like 3 mins ago, and then you have a message from someone and suddenly everything is pissing you off, like it’s not my fault the heater went off, it’s not my fault that I had absolutely no heating for probably about a month, and then I get a message being like ‘yer don’t touch it again this is your fault it cost €95’ yer im very sorry, well I’m paying rent here and you left me for a month with absolutely nothing, I’v had to shower at my friends, along time now. And it not really acceptable like, all of my friends have been like, you should ask her for a refund, just cos this is not cool for a land lady to leave you like that. And then she’s just like ‘yer well don’t touch it make sure you don’t touch it again, yer don’t do that because you turn the security on, yer that was you that turned it off, its like fuck off! Alright?! I have said that I’m sorry for it but it’s not really my fault, because I have literally nothing left and what do you do when your slightly desperate and really cold? Erm you try and make things work…! So now iv had a snappy conversation with her over whatssapp and she can fuck right off. And now because of her I snapped at my friends who’s been helping me out all the time. Ugh my goodness. Why is it people all the time I both love them and hate them, I like a few of them, the rest can fuck right off. Like constantly, pissing me off, and then eve like close friends can seem really patronising sometimes, like when their the same age as you but they think they have superior knowledge and they expect you to take everything they say but if you say something back in return or like you just understand their issue rather than trying to like correct it there like well I’m better then you I can give better advice that ‘I’m basically like a psychologist’ its like fuck right off! Like you don’t know what I’ve been through, like very few people understand, and when they do I’m like yer I get this person, we have something good going on, it wholesome. And like ugh I don’t know sometimes things just seem very one sided, and I don’t know why things change like that but they do, but then you get over it, cause that’s life, and you move along and carry on, and you let time do things and its really weird thought cause how do you know who you should fight for in a friendship? Should you fight for any friendship? Or should it just be thoroughly natural? I feel like you have to fight for everything at some point, when things get to a point where you can’t speak, like it takes compromise form both people both sides so like is friendships need all that and I can understand all this why do I still feel like I’m inferior? When I’m not. Or am i? Maybe I am. I don’t really understand the world, like I think am I really like young in my mind set I do act a bit like a child I guess, a lot, but also I can seem fairly mature. But like I don’t know I don’t know what it is that makes me a bad person cause I must be sometimes …umm.. I don’t get relationships at all, I really don’t. Like how do some people just go from relationship to relationships and find people consistently. And others just have someone and they put so much energy into everything and then even that fails, it’s like what’s the point? In a way. But then like I don’t know it because Iv never had one, it’s just interest I guess. Really pathetic. Uggh I’m going to be in a mood later now, and passive. No I’m not I’m going to have a shower and, oh no I’m not going to have a shower because the fucking hot water..! no I’m not going to give her the satisfaction of ever having a shower again ha! No of course I am. Ugh I don’t know. I’m just ranting.

Iv made myself kind of emotional tonight like realizing how many things are going to close and like how much I love the people around me just so many like lovely lovely people. Like even when you don’t get on with majority or like you’ve grown to realize you don’t, like you cant help but feel proud of like how like you’ve come to achieve that as well. When you meet people that you get on so well with you cant even remember how you used to sort of tolerate other people and when there are just so many magnificent ones in your life, that you don’t even have to struggle about talking to or like feel concern in any way cause you know that they’re just like on point as humans. And like how does that even happen? How do you just find these fantastic people and even if they are like temporal friendships they come to and end whenever like, nothing will change how much I love like all of you guys. Because you’ve made this time here so so good. Like even if I fuck by hiding loads, I’m feeling on such a high right now because I’ve got I know who my main crew are and their all fantastic. And I wouldn’t have it any other way, and I’m going to keep you all as long as you will tolerate me. Because I’m like that as a human I am very tolerable actually, lie who would not want me in your life? Me in my life? Me in your lives, me in collective lives! Ahah. I cant believe I have got to go home for Christmas its going to be so weird like it honestly will be fine and it’s going to be enjoyable and I’m going to get a lot of thoughts well stuff sorted out I’m going to have my aunt and I’m going to make a game plan for summer. Omg I want to go exploring so much in summer! Ah! You cannot understand the excitement! But to have met my other half in friendship and then become so close to the other kid from England that were like siblings, just being able to mess around with you guys and like do absolutely fuck all, how did that happen in even like 5 months its ridiculous like I knew that I needed Erasmus and I knew I needed that where I was I couldn’t stay, I knew I was very unhappy but like the way it ahs changed me is amazing. Cause im going to get home and be like whhaattt. And I don’t know whether I would have out gown my friends. Like my Falmouth friends, like my college friends are just absolutely insane fuck know what they are doing. Their all good. But like I think Uni will be different because I had a fairly big group of friends. But like I wouldn’t eve go between groups that much, absolutely love Rosey, Amy and Leanne but like I feel like they distance themselves a little bit, they know I’m not coming back but also they’re terrible at group chat and its really disappointing cause I remember skyping them in the first weeks also and it felt kinda awkward and I don’t like skype at the best of times. I think maybe what I don’t like about skype is that you expected to like continually talk and unless I’m very used to it with someone I can’t really do that, like I have definably got better but it’s weird seeing a face and it being small because like it’s not next to you and you can’t like interact with it but you are. I think the hardest thing about distance is just not being able to give them a hug. It just weird. And then I think like maybe I just really miss my mum, but I really don’t think I do. Unless I think it’s just I because I see her as just being a shitty mother to me I really do, and she’s like who I was, even though I’m like god knows how much younger. But I do want to see her but I don’t wanna get back and be like ah lets sort out this and this and this. But It wont happen it will just sort of delay but I will do my best. I cant wait to see my aunt. Ah shes going to help me so much, she always does I don’t know what she does she just sort of like is excited about the world still, like she just learns Japanese for the fun of it. My uncle knows like Russian like we clearly can language as a family, my mum just has no interest in that whatsoever. Like even when I was applying for Erasmus and stuff she was never like ‘yer she’s going to have an amazing time’ she was just like ‘yer she isnt going to do this lol’ I think so many people thought that I wasn’t even ever going to do it. Its so weird I wonder what they think of me, I wonder if like if I’ve been really antisocial since I’ve been away because I’m not that good at staying in contact, I have my main crew, but like causally keeping in contact I’m not like good. Because I never know how much info you should give, like even if you were quite close friends like my friend Jazz I went horse riding with her in like primary school no secondary no primary school, and like we didn’t see each other for years, we probably met up 3 years ago now, like it was just so nice to see her. But when were speaking online it’s kind of like ooh what do you say? It’s like oh how’s life? It’s like ah that’s quite a broad questions, either your constantly with me fore ti or it’s like don’t bother it’s how you feel in that particular moment often it’s just like I feel shit on messenger, hello! But so its weird to sort of see how friendships will develop its not like it’s not like betting with yourself its like seeing like where its going to go? Like with some people you know your never going to see them again, and that’s kind of ok. Others are like no, I want to maintain you. With some you can sweep back into conversation and its completely normal. Ah its just weird how friendships are. There all so different I just love all of them so much! Ah! I love my friends I got such lovely friends. Like I don’t get why I feel so bad about myself sometimes. When i know iv got all of these lovely lovely people around me and that they are absolutely insane humans like fuck my friends are just so cool, how have I managed this? And it’s because they see the same in you. People attract like- minded people. And all these beautiful sunny people. And Im like that as well?! Do you think?! What?! Ah they are just so cute. I love every single one of them. Ah its going to be so weird not seeing like but its weird not seeing the ones at home. Ah its all just really weird. You defiantly realise the ones you particularly love. Christmas holidays changed it quite a lot as well last year, over summer had been the real test. I feel like im quite reflective on how I feel in a relationship whether people sort of want me around. Ahh my babies! Im just rambling its all cool.

Ok so what am I thinking right now at the moment I’m kind of reflecting back on yesterday and being really impressed of how my mind set changed in such a small period of time cause the night before I was incredibly anxious. It probably was the weed I’m not really sure. Because I’ve had it before its helped me and I’ve been really happy and then I don’t know something got me down, and obviously you know I was quite irate with it like it frustrates me a lot when I can’t get myself out of the mind-set I’m in and I find it really difficult to like when I start talking about it you can’t stop or rationalize with myself cause I get so stuck in my mind that even when I start speaking to someone I know that I’m speaking too much some of the things is say I come to regret, not as such but like I know that I have exaggerated the problem, not exaggerated, like cause it consumes me sometimes. When I start thinking in a particular way it gets me completely stuck. And then yesterday I was completely fine all day. Really worried that I couldn’t interact with people at all, like I’m a disgrace to humanity! Gosh! What am I like?! And I was just completely fine! Doing my thing, get shit done, yes mate! I don’t really know why it doesn’t it cause I had such a nice time. And then you just start thinking about how things are coming to an end now, like wanting to do things with people constantly, but knowing that others equally need their space, and like seeing how some people are getting so drained and stressed out by things, and its always really sad because the endings are never the best time for things to end. Like when people are going home for Christmas and things, its already got to the stage where like the best time has kinda past in a way. Cause we have these really happy memories and stuff throughout the term, and as soon as it ends its matters its like ’ugh I’m never gonna see these people again’ and everyone’s just like ‘I need a break shut up’, but I think that’s universal as a thing. If its sad or not it’s the reality of stuff. My friend messaged me this morning and hes not doing very well, cause we were both in quite a depressed time together like when we first knew each other, I don’t know we just got on really well. Just understood each other just like where were coming from and when were being ridiculous, both really into like astrology and various arty shit. He’s a very musical kid, we’d go for lots of walks and stuff. nice. But yer he messaged me being like yer he’s drifting from his friends and think how natural it is a process though casue you don’t really like letting go of friends, their all you have really, you learn so much from them and them from you and you don’t even realise at all but like friends mean so so much to me, im not sure people realize how much I value them being around. I know it sounds really ridiculous but like stop just stop. I don’t now, but yer, hes saying that friends from like three years ago have drifted, its like well of course they have it’s a naturel thing. But to see that someone hasn’t accepted how people grow apart its kinda sad. I thought it was like take it or leave it, like if they will be my friends then they are and I will happily keep them in my life for however long they want me or I them. But I suppose when you don’t have that many friends, actually iv noticed that a lot of my friends don’t have that many close friends, or like other friends I don’t know why or if theres a correlation with that. I don’t know, really weird. maybe I should make a pattern of all of the different friends I have. I don’t know im being kind of reflective at the moment. I need to motivate myself to go outside but I cant be bothered. And I don’t know what im doing for public and private really cause I need to start these changes but then how am I even going to present a load of challenges? Would that really even work as a thing? Yes it’s a nice concept but it needs to actually have a build up before I can actually use it, which is gonna be a bit problematic, ill be like what the fuck are you doing and be like I don’t know mate help! But oh well! I don’t know whether to bully more people form the class into joining it or just leave it be? But I don’t know how big I want it to be as a thing though, if I get like 30 people who want to do it with me, im going to be slightly fucked. But it will be fun, I hope they are decent changelings, ones that don’t involve money, cause I don’t, can’t be assed with spending money. And I don’t really want to join clubs, cause like that cost money as well, it’s a really good thing to do but I don’t think you can dictate someone to do that when you don’t really know them. But it’s a nice idea.